Timelines... Are They Healthy Behavior?
When We Confuse Not Waiting Around Forever and Dishing Out Ultimatums
How do we know if we’re using timelines in a healthy way? I’m here to tell you that… I have no fucking idea. Hear me out! I used to be a person who didn’t care about timelines. things flow when they flowed. I didn’t start using timelines until I got into more toxic relationships. Then I turned into the “I use timelines as ultimatums” for example: “if you do not make _____ decision by this time, I’m leaving you”. And whatever variation that sentence comes in.
I didn’t know how to use timelines any other way. But you know me, I live in the world of two extremes. All or nothing type energy is me in a nutshell. I constantly bounced between “it is what it is, and everything takes time” to “This needs to be sorted out by said timeframe or I’m done”. If I really think about it… in both spaces its either me ignoring the denial that I feel or trying to delay the inevitable of a breakup. Both spaces give me high levels on anxiety and always my delusions kick in to convince me to keep waiting. I guess I end up having FOMO (Fear of Missing Out0. What if I leave and right after they get their shit together? What if I just needed to wait it out a few more weeks?
And don’t get me started on the possibility that once the deadline comes if I have the confidence to leave or not. I was never sure and usually that would cause me to back down or move the deadline. Which does not make my situation better and digs me deeper into a hole. It also causes me to break promises with myself when I do that.
So, I had to start asking myself questions when it came to timelines:
Why do I rely on timelines?
What about them make me feel secure?
Are timelines really preventing me from staying in a relationship longer than I should have?
How long does it take for me to apply another timeline to ignore?
What can I do to feel some type of control over this instead of announcing a timeline?
These are questions I am still figuring out for myself. But I can give you a little bit of insight on this. Something about timelines that I have changed for my sanity. I have stopped telling my partners about my timelines. I have realized over the years that coming to my partners and telling them of the timeline does nothing to make the situation or the relationship better. It adds a level of stress and pressure to both of us. I’m full of anxiety waiting on them to step up and care. Plus, I’m scared that they won’t and my denial is shattered. They feel pressure to put something together or make results happen when in reality they aren’t ready to do it, face it, or don’t care enough about it but they don’t want to deal with another argument if they don’t. But something I noticed is that somethings can’t be operated in a specific timeline.
For example: setting a timeline on someone going to therapy and working out their shit so they can be present/proactive in our relationship vs. giving my partner a deadline to find a job are two separate things. One of them is that therapy takes a long time to unpack negative habits, trauma, and behavior. It’s a long road to unlearn what has been taught to us in our upbringing. That is not something that is going to be addressed in a year or less. Healing doesn’t come that fast. I don’t care what other people say about it.
Finding a job is different because that’s proactive work applying and hopefully getting responses. Along with making sure they actually go to the interview and showing up for their first shift. I cannot apply a timeline for finding a job to something as serious as unpacking years of trauma and behavior issues. In conclusion of this example is that I have to find balance and realize where I stand in relation to this situation. I can choose to not announce a timeline and have an adult conversation with my partner of my concerns. Then give my partner the opportunity to step up or not. That is when I can decide if it is something that is a deal breaker for me leading to a breakup.
I can do all of this decision making without preaching about a timeline and forcing my partner’s hand. I had to think about forcing someone’s hand… are they doing it because they truly want it but don’t feel like they have the confidence/ emotional support? or are they doing it to make me shut up about it? removing the preaching is how I can see if my partner is taking my concerns seriously and listening to me. Because a partner that wants to work our issues is going to be proactive and not just for only two weeks until I forget about it. They will continuously work on it without me having to babysit it.
Also, this is where acceptance comes in again showing its ugly ass face. I cannot force someone to do something they don’t want to do or is not ready to do. I can only control myself and make a decision about what’s best for me in the end. If that means I can’t handle sticking around waiting for my partner to go to therapy, work through therapy, and have breakthroughs to be present in our relationship. That just means I have to accept where they are in life and remove myself if it causes me any issues or alters my life in a way I cannot manage.
Codependency recovery is literally a master class on:
How to mind your damn business
How to Let people learn and do things in their own time.
How to Communicate Effectively
How to Accept people for who they are and WHERE they are in life.
How to Learn about unavailability and stop wasting your time with people who are not emotionally or physically available.
How Your relationship patterns and triggers certain behaviors within yourself
How to implement Self-Care in your life
How the only person you can control is YOU!
How to Deal with your denials and delusions
How to set boundaries for yourself
How to RESPOND not React
How to be brave
Most importantly: How to get a life of your own and stop relying on others to fulfill you.
This list is what I’m working on. And boy is it giving me a run for my money.