The Broken Bird Characteristics

What to Lookout for When Dating or In a Current Relationship

Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash

Now that I have narrowed down the codependent diagnosis that I have. I have been doing some digging and researching to find out more about Broken Bird Syndrome. I have to say this is a hard pill to swallow for me, but I need to know how to break this pattern once and for all. So, I have looked up and listened to a few podcasts about the subject.

The Bird

The bird in this dynamic is person who needs all of the caretaking and nurturing. They are usually someone who comes across as person who has fallen on hard times. They talk about having all of these obstacles in their way and if they could just get the help they need then they can thrive. Their behavioral patterns look like this:

• Victim Mentality: Its everyone else’s fault, outside circumstances, and paranoid conspiracy theories that is causing these problems they are facing. They will not take any accountability or responsibility for the decisions they made that landed them where they are at. They will deny that they had a part in it, made a bad decision, or acted inappropriately. They know what’s happening but will not admit to any wrongdoing.

• Can’t hold a job for very long: Their resume has over 10+ jobs they have worked in the past year. They are always employed but with a different job every few weeks or months. They are constantly getting fired but don’t understand why, they think that its other people pushing them out/conspiring against them or harassing them until they leave. On the other side is that they are rage quitting their jobs over any mild inconvenience, being fired for constantly being late/calling into work/no call no shows, and or acting inappropriately/erratic behavior at work.

• Constantly in Survival Mode: Always need a favor, always needs a ride, and instantly calls you for support as soon as something happens. They have constant crisis situations (facing eviction, injury, power being turned off, getting arrested, damaging their car, losing their job AGAIN, and etc).

• Addiction Issues: Not all of them have an addiction or substance issues but they are the ones who have those problems the most. It starts affecting all aspects of their life and they refuse to get clean or sober. Or sell the dream that once they are sober not only will they be better, but their life will be better.

• Always Have Financial Issues: Due to not being able to hold down a job, substance issues and being in survival moder. They are always short on cash and needs to borrow money from you. They complain about their financial situation all the time in hopes people will have sympathy and help them pay for bill or spot them money.

• Always a Dreamer with No Action: They have many plans about what they want to do with their life. They are always coming up with new business ideas or financial adventures. They want to talk out their plans of this dream all the time. They even take the free time they have to start building a real business plan. But they never make take any steps into making it becoming real thing. They don’t save the money, they don’t network, they don’t fix their credit to be approved for business loans. All they do is talk the talk with anyone who will listen. Even pretend to have a business deal going on or looking for someone to partner with but nothing ever comes from it.

• No Deep Social Connections: They have no friends and barely a family that talks to them. Due to their behavior of constantly taking and never giving back. It causes a lot of people to distance themselves from them. It also burns a lot of bridges because everyone who gets involved with them become exhausted and empty because the crisis and taking never ends.

What Makes Us Stay?

The thing about broken birds is that they do just enough to keep us interested. Bread crumbing if you will. Doing little things like buying you flowers once in a blue moon, cooking dinner or breakfast in bed, cleaning up the house/apartment, paying for a meal/bill here and there. They also have the tendency to be good in bed and a person with good sex skills can get pretty far in relationships with doing the less than the bare minimum. They are also charismatic, entertaining, funny, sweet, can hold a conversation, smart, and nice people. Very rarely are they abusive or combative because being mean makes it harder to get people to help them. The savior sees the potential and holds on to that hope that one day things will change. Their bird will heal and they will have the relationship they want one day. They just got to hold on and keep supporting them. This is what makes this dynamic dysfunctional.

Broken Birds Will Always Fly Away

The sad reality I’m sitting with is understanding broken birds always fly away. After spending every ounce of my energy healing them, guiding them, helping them, and more. They eventually get to the point they don’t need me anymore. The relationship dynamic no longer works for them because they got what they needed, they healed and moving on to bigger and better things. The other side of this is that they never heal but they notice they can’t keep this dynamic going either because the Savior is fed up and tensions are running high, or they can’t meet the new standards the savior is demanding. So, the bird will fly the coop to start this dynamic all over again with a new person.

Are they Remorseful?

We are not sure if they are remorseful in the behavior of what they do. We don’t know if they do this on purpose and if it is a strategy to manipulate people. For me I would say it depends on the person. Some people are seriously stuck in a cycle of behavior and truly do not know how to stop it. Other times people are aware but choose to do nothing about it because they get something out of it. Some do feel bad about using people this way and are making the changes to stop the cycle. Broken Birds get this behavior from their upbringing like majority of us do in how we navigate relationships. They usually do grow up in homes where their parents abandoned them emotionally or physically. They do come from abusive backgrounds or narcissists for parents who taught them how to manipulate people into giving them what they want.

They love the caretaking and nurturing because it’s something they never got when they were a child from their parents. It’s like they are replaying their childhood in their relationships to fulfill a desperate need to be parented. They can grow into adults who are stunted in their ability to navigate the world and be a functioning member of society. They struggle with being an adult with adult responsibilities.

But these are not excuses nor makes their behavior ok. They leave behind a trail of resentful people and a mess that they never clean up. Are they remorseful? do they feel bad? I guess we will never really know.