Self Care Struggles

Why is it so hard to take care of me?

Photo by Tasha Jolley on Unsplash

Like any codependent person I struggle with self-care. Before I ever understood this term, I thought taking care of myself and ways to relieve stress was partying it out until dawn. Learning my way through finding self-care methods that worked for me was a lot of trial and error. I wouldn’t say I’m an expert, but I can say I found things that really helped and things I still do today. Some weeks I’m on top of it and others I forget about it but being consistent in healthy coping skills takes practice. I honestly think I have thrown every method against the wall with hope I stay dedicated to it. But I always find myself in a space where I forget about me and be consumed by someone else.

The Burden of Self Care

I’m used to not taking care of me. I’m used to cranking that wheel until I’m exhausted and can’t move anymore. I’m used to working long hours with no breaks, never taking a day off, and also losing my shit because all of my stress has built up inside of me. Before my journey to discovering self-care, I never understood why I was so stressed out. I even felt like other people needed to be the ones to take care of it. I STILL struggle with the letting go of the idea that other people are responsible for my stress levels. I get into these modes where I’m taking care of everyone, and no one is taking care of me.

I get resentful, I get tired, I get angry and lose my shit. I feel like if I’m doing everything the least, they can do is give back. Sometimes I even cry about having to take care of myself because I feel it’s not fair that I have to take care of me. That’s another aspect of my codependency issues. I take care of everyone and everything with the expectation that people return the favor to take care of me. But in reality, I’m taking care of people who are not capable (or I think are not capable) of taking care of themselves. I’m expecting people who can’t take care of themselves to take care of me? where’s the logic in that?

I have accepted it for so many years, and it took me a long time to be aware of it. Actually, applying any action to change it has been the next battle for me. I haven’t been in CODA long it will be two years in October of this year. Yet here I am again beating myself up for putting me on the back burner because I’m consumed in a new project… my current relationship. I’m heartbroken once AGAIN because I have placed the responsibility of my well-being in someone else’s hands who is dealing with a lot of life circumstances. So, now I have to learn a new dance… taking care of me, refocusing on me, and removing my energy/effort from this relationship in way that brings balance.

I know the next question that your thinking… What do you think the outcome will be? answer: I don’t know… focusing on me can bring forth two outcomes. Either we grow apart and break up, or they shift and step up. I hope they step up because I want a future with them because I love them. The Buddhist theory on hope is: Holding on to hope is like being on a forever shifting foundation or like trying to build a house on sand. We cannot hold on to hope because if we do... it just prolonging the inevitable. We have to abandon hope because that is where we can only find our grounding in reality, not in delusions or denials. We cannot prepare ourselves for impact if we are too busy flying.

I have to stop worrying about the outcome and worry about me. I’m losing my sanity worrying about a person who is handling their stuff but since I care about them. It’s weighing heavy on me. I can’t do everything for them either because that disables them from their autonomy. I don’t want to steal that from them. They deserve to keep their autonomy.

That’s how codependency moves through me. Makes I care way more than the other person does about their own situation. I embody everything, the problem, the outcome, the emotions, and more. Then next thing I know I forgot about myself, my daily responsibilities, I haven’t washed my hair in weeks, laundry is piling up, I haven’t cleaned my space in weeks or months, I look ragged and tired.

I completed every adult responsibility the other person had… Then when it comes down to adding myself on the back end… I’m furious… I hate it.

Methods of Self care

If any of my readers are needing new methods here are some that I have tried and a new one, I have formed myself.

The Self-Care Toolbox.

This is something that I learned from The Tempest Sobriety Program. Truly it can be a physical box of your choosing, or it can be a list of Go-To’s in times of need. In order to build this list or items, is to find things that bring you comfort.

For example:

• Fidget toys (I keep these at my office desk to treat my anxiety during the day)

• A Guided Meditation to lean on in times of stress or (For me: Troubles with trying to get to sleep or staying asleep)

• Creating a Night Routine

• Creating a Morning Routine

• Make a few comforting essential oil blends to keep in your bag.

• Going on a walk (any form of movement for 20-30 minutes a day can help with sleep problems, anxiety and depression... who knew)

• Taking Hot baths

• Getting a Massage

• Pedicures/manicures

You get the idea of where I am going with this. I personally made a list and choose something to do 2-3 times a week. My list was first full of random Ideas that I gathered from google on what self-care things I could do. I tried them all and then kept the ones I liked. Sometimes I go to this list when anxiety hits me at night. Plus, my list has shrunk to just 5 things and its strictly for nighttime.

Scheduling Self Care Time.

I thought scheduling time out of my week would help me. It was something I could look forward to and also remind me that I was going to be busy that day or evening. So, it made it easier for me to notify the toxic people in my life that I wasn’t available. It gave me an excuse to not feel like I had to be present for things I didn’t actually want to do. It was a way to force myself to take care of me. I would use google calendars and alarms to remind myself what I was planning on doing.

I later abandoned the scheduling because sometimes my life is busy with my own things and it became harder to find time.

Body Doubling

I have tired getting a friend involved in my self-care. A way to have accountability in this entire process. It is a great way to bond with my friends and do something relaxing. Be careful with this one because sometimes you can start to depend on someone to keep you accountable. If they aren’t available, then you got to find your own will power to still do the activity alone. Also, if this is a toxic person the last thing you want to do is take something relaxing and turn it into a task.

The Self Care Bowl

This is a method that I have invited for myself. I was inspired by the book “The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things in Life” by Yasmine Cheyenne. In the book she talks about thinking of your energy as a jar filled with sugar. As you do more things for yourself it fills the jar up, and you can decide how to give out your energy. If your feeling depleted its possible you are giving out too much of your sugar and it’s possible that your jar is low.

So, I created my own version of my sugar jar. I bought a small glass bowl, 4 small flute glasses, and decor gems in different colors.

Then I decorated my bowl and decorated some slips of paper to symbolize what each flute glass represents.

Then I filled my flutes with the color decor gems. Shown here:

How it works: I will take a few gems 2-4 and add it to my self-care bowl over time. This will give me a visual on where I am lacking in my self-care. For Example: If I notice I don’t have enough “Move Your Body” gems, then that means I need to do something to have that activity added to the bowl. I continue to do these self-care activities until my flutes are empty. Once the bowl is full, I dump it out separate the gems and place them back into the flutes to start over again.

Here is photo of it:

So, I have a few rules with this method:

1. It has to be things you struggle doing or really want to focus on

2. You cannot add gems to the bowl until AFTER you have completed the activity. If you add it before then it can turn into a habit of continuously putting it off.

3. Start with a small option I only have 4. You do have the ability to change them to something else if you feel like you got a practice down. Make it yours!

This new method is definitely working for me because I need to see if I’m doing anything for myself. I need that instant gratification and I’m still chugging along with it. I have fallen behind but I am getting back on the wagon again.

The Struggle is Real!

Self-care is hard when you're trying to figure it out the first time, trying to make the time, and just struggling to put you first. As a society we tell people all the time to forgo doing anything for ourselves and keep cranky the wheel. It’s also became a thing that only people of certain tax bracket are allowed to enjoy, and the peasants do deserve it. Another issue is that people think self-care has to cost money but honestly it doesn’t. It also doesn’t have to extravagant or Instagram worthy of a shot. It just has to be something that bring you back to yourself.

It another form of grounding. I will keep you updated on my progress but for right now I still have some feelings to sort through on this and I had starting from square one again. But at the end of the day, I can’t go wrong with choosing me even if it hurts sometimes.