Emotional & Physical Unavailability
What is It? What does it look like? And how to avoid it
I have too been a victim of being attracted to unavailable people. I didn’t understand what being unavailable meant or see it for what it is until I got into CODA (Codependents Anonymous). All I knew was that I was addicted to people like this, and I couldn’t understand why they were unavailable. Who wants to be unavailable? I was convinced if I just loved them harder, being more attentive, and try harder that they will turn around one day. I was willing to wait them out. When in reality I was wasting my time with someone who has told me multiple times they aren’t ready for anything serious or they had commitment issues.
So, let’s talk about it Emotional and Physical Unavailability. First off:
What is it?
“Being emotionally or physically unavailable a person cannot—or will not—engage in deep, consistent emotional connection or be present for a partner’s needs. It involves building walls, such as avoiding intimacy, neglecting commitments, or shutting down, often as a defense mechanism to avoid vulnerability, fear, or discomfort.” A simple google search defines it.
Where does it come from?
This is a mix of things. It can be from childhood or relationship trauma. Especially if they come from a childhood where they couldn’t freely express their emotions or dealt with a lot of physical and emotional neglect. It can be from learned attachment styles due to growing up in environments of abusive parents, addicted parents, narcissistic parents, and much more. Without factoring in childhood trauma, it can also come from constant relationship betrayal. Being cheated on a lot, abused by partners, or dealing with someone who lied a lot.
What are the types of Unavailability?
Emotional-This describes an inability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships, often rooted in a struggle to understand or manage one’s own feelings.
Physical- This goes beyond just being busy; it involves using distance to avoid intimacy, often appearing as a deliberate, yet sometimes subconscious, separation of their life from yours.
What are the signs of Emotionally Unavailable Person?
Avoiding deep conversations
Keeping relationships surface-level
Deflecting with humor (This one is in the same realm of someone who doesn’t take anything serious either. You know the one who says “Its not a big deal”, “Why are making it a big deal?” or “ It’s not that serious, calm down”)
Shutting down during conflict
Still obsessed with their Ex
Unable to set boundaries with said Ex
Dismisses emotional conversations
Avoids calls or text messages (Doesn’t respond until long hours later or days later but response instantly to either sexual hook up/text subject. Along with responding instantly to casual or logistical questions)
What are the behaviors?
Pull away when relationships get serious
Send mixed signals
Refusing to put a label on what type of relationship you have with them
Deny being in anything that is seriously romantic with you to others or to your face. (This is a big one! Anyone denying or lying about what they have with you to other people is instantly unavailable. It even worse if they are telling you to your face about it. It’s super disrespectful)
What are the signs of a physically Unavailable person?
Frequently canceling plans (Especially last minute with no real legitimate reason)
Not making time for you in their schedule (Making excuses as why they can’t squeeze that event or time in)
Cannot be reached or contacted (difficult to get a hold of. You go long periods of days or weeks of never hearing from them)
Busy with other commitments
Disappearing and unable to locate them (Someone who spends time with you and then disappears. Then they pop up randomly and acts like they haven’t been missing for a handful of days or weeks. Refuses to tell you where they have been, changes the subject, lies about where they been, or deflects from telling you.)
Doesn’t show up to important events (Like dinner with friends or family. Your birthday. Important banquet, work event, your graduation, or award you about to be presented with)
What are the behaviors?
Acting distant
Maintaining extreme independence, such as keeping separate lives
Workaholic Behaviors (They rather work than spend time with you, avoid having an emotional conversation, or using work as a way to avoid address any issues. Work comes first)
Makes zero effort to include you in anything (Uses a lot of I, Me language and not Both, or We language. For example, planning a vacation they are talking about where they want to go, what they want to do, and how they are getting themselves there. Not making suggestions on where you both should go, how you both are getting there, and what activities you want to do together. There is always a separation in the language.)
A relentless caregiver to family and family issues (This has a bit of nuance to it. Some people feel obligated or pressured to handle taking care of family. Some people have no one else to help with the support of family. Then there are people using it as excuse to not engage in romantic or platonic relationships.)
Acting hyper-independent, making you feel lonely even when you are together. (For example, invite you to an event and then go off on their own or meet up with friends, leaving you by yourself. Grabbing food or a drink at an establishment for themselves and never ask you what you wanted or if you even wanted something.)
Avoiding physical affection (They are completely annoyed with any types of affection. Refuses to hold your hand in public, doesn’t want to kiss you, doesn’t want you to cuddle them, and asks you to stop or leave them alone when you try to. Uses the excuse that they aren’t really affectionate.)
How do I avoid this?
It is very important to pay attention in how a person treats you. We often dismiss things as either they are having a bad day, they are in a bad mood, and or they are just busy. In reality a pattern has developed and instead of paying attention to it… we ignore it.
A pattern of actions has to form in order for you determine if this person is unavailable. These actions can also include:
Going on vacation or business trips constantly with no legitimate return date. (They never tell you when they are coming home or they already came home and been home for days but never told you).
You notice they only respond to you via text or phone call when it’s about sex
They don’t invite you out to do things and you are inviting yourself to come along
Making excuses to not see you, talk to you, respond to you
Making you feel like you're being clingy or needy when you're not
Then there are people come out right and say it. And this is where paying attention to what they say comes into play of where they stand with you. If you hear things like:
“Oh, I forgot to pay my phone bill”
“My phone was dead or lost”
“I don’t think we should put a label on it”
“Why can’t we just let things be what they are?”
“Why can’t we just enjoy what we have without turning it into something serious?”
“I’m not looking for anything serious”
“I’m not ready for relationships”
“I have things going on in my life right now that I need to focus on”
“I like you, and you're a nice person but I’m not sure if I want you like that”
“You would be perfect for me if this was a different time”
“You would be a perfect partner if I was ready for one”
“I have too much going on with work and my family to commit to a relationship right now”.
Anything that is redirecting or deflecting the conversation about having a romantic relationship with you. Some of this is a nice way of them trying to reject you without hurting your feelings. The other sayings are completely dismissing your feelings or dismissing your need of clarity on what’s happening between you two.
Most importantly we have to recognize the denial and delusions within ourselves. If we are negotiating a romantic relationship with someone who is unavailable all we are doing is hurting our own feelings. If we are trying to find ways to make it easier on them to say yes to commitment. If we are doing things to change ourselves or mold ourselves to get them to reconsider. If we are doing devious things in front of them or telling them to make them feel or act jealous. If we are overworking ourselves trying to remove the obstacles or help to free up space in their lives so we can fit. Lastly, if we are overtly supporting someone past our emotional capabilities.
These are the type of behaviors from us are that makes this dynamic so dysfunctional!! This is why we end up being stuck in these dynamics for so long!!
We are doing so much work to the point of exhaustion or emotional breakdowns because we won’t let go of the delusion that this person just needs to be open to being loved. the delusion that this person is denying their true feelings about you. The delusion that if you try harder, they will choose you. The denial of the rejection and not willing to sit with the discomfort of the feeling. This is a cage that traps us because we want someone so badly, we can’t see the forest from the trees.
There is freedom in acceptance. Learning how to accept people for who they are, and where they are in life. Acceptance also doesn’t mean stick it out or wait around for a conclusion. Acceptance is KNOWING that this person is not for us, they can’t provide what we need, and they aren’t capable of doing so. This allows us to have freedom in our CHOICES and in our love lives. Which gives us the ability to take ACTION in what happens next for US.
Never ever leave the final decision to an unavailable person. You will never reach a conclusion. The problem will never be solved. You will never get a clear answer from them. This is where you put yourself first. Take care of you and worry less about them.