Do I Even Like You?
When Have I Ever Asked Myself How Do I Feel?
A question I never thought I was allowed to ask myself. I felt if someone wanted me that would be enough to fulfill my needs. I didn’t care what they were into, what kind of hobbies they had, if they had friends, and etc. I would almost entertain anyone who was willing to entertain me, and I thought I could just tweak what I didn’t like about them later. In the mind of a Codependent… everything and everyone is fixable. Which we all know my issues with acceptance, and this is not a good approach to finding healthy and loving relationships.
I remember the day I was in a Facebook Group and asked about this first date I was going to have. I was so caught up with how beautiful this woman was, and I was focused on how to impress her. Then someone commented and said, “Make sure you find out if you actually like them”. I thought (Find out if I like THEM?) I didn’t know that was a possibility for me. I just thought in order to have healthy relationships that I would just have to fix what was wrong with me. So, I could stop picking people who are bad for me and start picking people who are right. But I didn’t consider that liking the person I was with needed to be considered in this process. I always grew to love or like someone but now I’m not sure if I ever grew to love them let alone like them. I thought everyone just tolerated their partners and those who truly liked their partners were just the lucky ones.
Now I can’t get that comment out of my head every time I attempt to make a connection. It really blows the wind out of my sails when I ask myself this question about a new person I’m talking to. Regardless of how much I love the high of a new person and getting to know them. I find that I come down from the high a lot faster than I used to. I have also noticed characteristics that I didn’t care about... I actually care about. After meeting a woman and having a high that lasted 48 hours... I found out on day 3 that I didn’t necessarily like them. It wasn’t that they were a bad person, but their lifestyle doesn’t match mine and from there a list of what I want was building itself.
I struggled for months to years trying to narrow down what I wanted or needed in relationships. My therapist pointed out I knew exactly what I didn’t want but somehow couldn’t form together what I actually liked in a person. I was too focused on what I didn’t like and how to fix that. She stated “You need to gather information about this person and listen to what they say. Remember a crush is just the lack of information. You need information in order to make a good decision for yourself”. She is totally right, the fact that I never collected information on people who came into my orbit is one of reasons why it was hard for me to make a decision for myself. It also made it hard for me to set boundaries and protect myself. Without information how can anyone decide what direction to take? or be confident in the decisions they make?
So here is what I have complied so far on what I’m looking for:
Someone who is chartable or a part of something bigger than their selves
Someone who pays attention to current events and votes
Someone into spirituality
Someone who has an active life outside of working
Someone who cares about their health
Someone who has a self-care routine
Someone who cares about having a good night’s rest
Someone who either doesn’t drink or smoke tree or has a light habit.
Someone with a good set of healthy friends
Someone capable of emotional maturity
Someone who can be vulnerable
Someone who is emotionally available
Someone who is physically available
This list is coming together faster than ever before. I’m feeling more confident as I continue to work on myself. One thing I have learned in this process is that I cannot avoid being in relationships or connecting with people in order to obtain this information. I have to keep trying and learn something each and every time someone comes into my orbit. The emotional toll is a lot when things end, and I take breaks when I need to because a woman can only handle so much. I also remind myself that regardless of how someone treats me, it’s not a reflection of me. I cannot allow these bad experiences make me bitter because it doesn’t help me in the long run. But I take these interactions and information to find better ways to approach things. It’s like a science experiment that’s going to take some time, but I know at the end I will achieve what I always wanted in life... A healthy and loving relationships.