Busting Codependency Myths
Codependency is One Hell of a Drug
It’s hard to explain codependency to people who have no idea what it is or people who have a basic idea of it. I can say codependency is not what people think it is and I will explain that later in this article. Codependency is more than just a behavior issue. We are people who have a deep-rooted trauma that stems from our Family dynamics. This is behaviors that we were taught as kids and carried into our adult life. It causes us to act out in certain ways (Drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, stalking and more). We take things too far and it’s also the most isolating thing to deal with.
Some of us don’t make the change until we practically have lost everything and blew up each bridge of community. Others never quit and live an extreme life of isolation, a life of pure chaos, and sadly meet their end to a dangerous outcome.
Myths Of Codependency
Let’s talk about what are the myths of codependency. That way we can identify what it is and what it is not. Now first I do want to say that everyone has codependent traits. What I mean by that is that everyone is codependent in some fashion or certain areas but not although the areas of their life. For example: Someone may be codependent when it comes to their family (have issues setting boundaries, struggle to have a healthy relationship, or enables bad behavior) and being at their call but not with anyone else. Everyone has a soft point or avoidant space in their life where they can display codependent behavior. We are talking about Codependency in extreme forms.
The type of codependency where people don’t know how they get themselves into these situations. Have difficult time letting people go or removing themselves from dangerous relationships. People who for go taking care of themselves or life responsibilities because they are too wrapped up into someone else. There are literal people going bankrupt or on verge of homelessness because they can’t tell their daughter no.
So let me get into these Myths:
Codependency is a Woman’s Issue: Plenty of men suffer from this as well. Just because we see it more in women does not mean men don’t deal with it too. We have normalized women being codependent in society so much we ignore it when it comes to men displaying these behaviors. We see women being codependent in Media, real life, office settings, experienced it ourselves and much more. In fact, our codependency is ENCOURAGED to the point that we forgot to turn our heads and see it from a male aspect. Men are more likely to display codependent behavior under the guise of workaholism, controlling behaviors, and caretaking (Especially caretaking because in the patriarchy men are required to financially take care of their spouses and their families. Which makes it hard for them to set financial boundaries and causes them to take on large amounts of debt trying to keep up with the demand and an image. Let’s flip it and they resort to controlling behaviors because the demand regardless of financial aspects becomes too much to handle. So, they flip flop between two extremes.)
It Only Affects People in Relationships with Addicts: Any type of information you search for codependency always brings up addiction. There are plenty of studies that find people who are codependent either grew up in a household of addicts or are addicts themselves. Being raised in these environments can cause a person to feel the need to monitor addicts and end up in relationships with addicts. It’s a part of their history. The reason why it is a myth is because: Addiction does not have to be the key part to make any relationship codependent. Any type of dysfunctional dynamic- families, workplaces, friendships- where a person’s identity and emotions revolve around controlling or fixing another. Controlling aspects are motivated by fear of abandonment, cheating, losing autonomy, low-self-worth, and not having the ability to formulate a person life of their own.
Codependent People are Just “Too nice” or Caring: Yes, some people are people pleasers, and they are too nice or caring and that is a codependent person. But! Avoidance is easily the second most common codependent behavior. They aren’t always super clingy people. They aren’t always people who help and bend over backward or go beyond for their relationships. Sometimes they are control freaks that rage in anger when people can’t do anything right. Sometimes they are people who avoid anything that causes them to deal with their emotions or other people’s emotions. They keep things surface level because they can’t deal with intimacy. There are people who are turned off or avoidant by anyone who is emotional. That’s what makes this one a myth we aren’t just one category we are multiple.
You can’t Be Codependent if You’re Independent: Hyper-independence is a codependency behavior. Why may you ask? Hyper independent people cannot let go of the control and allow someone else to drive in the driver’s seat. They do not believe people are capable of handling things or helping them correctly. They don’t expect people to care for them due to the fact they have been left to deal with self-care and life responsibilities alone their entire life. They avoid intimacy for the fear of losing their autonomy. These are people who couldn’t rely on anyone to show up for them. When they have tried to put trust in someone… the betrayal was too traumatic for them. So, they over corrected by only relying on themself taking all of the emotional and physical labor regardless of exhaustion or in need of help.
Codependency is a Permanent Personality Flaw: This is a myth because we are not hopeless and all bets are not off. This can be corrected over time but it’s not something that can be fixed in 6 months or less. It is unlearning coping skills and learned behaviors and that takes time. It’s about learning self-awareness, boundaries and enforcing them, removing delusions or denials we have held on to, and stepping out of fear of the outcomes for standing up for ourselves. If someone truly wants to work on it and with the support of CODA Meetings and CBT therapy. We can easily see changes in our lives over time.
Setting Boundaries is Selfish: Another common myth because boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. We have to build the ability to know where we have had enough and learn how to step away. Also learn how to enforce them to keep our mental and physical space safe. Saying “NO” is not cruel but we can’t function when our cup is empty. Tip of information: Boundaries are for us to obey not for other people to obey. They are not rules for other people. They are meant for us so we can keep ourselves in check. Because the only person we can control is ourselves not other people. This is where learning and break our denials and delusions we have is where we can see clearly on what the best decision or boundary for ourselves is.
Recovery Means You Stop Caring About Others: Recovery is not a fuck everybody type of process. It’s about finding a way to care without self-sacrifice. In Codependency Recovery we learn about how to place our needs first, check in with our energy, and we separate our worth from other people. It’s a way for us to regain our autonomy and take control of our life. So, when we do help someone else it’s because we can help without attaching strings to it. We aren’t enabling to the point of disabling people. Everyone gets to keep their autonomy, and we get to keep our sanity.
Codependency Only Happens in Romantic Relationships: Codependent bonds can happen in platonic or family relationships. It does not discriminate on what kind of relationship you have with someone. It can even happen in workplace relationships as well. Anywhere a person is consistently sacrificing their own needs to manage another’s emotions or behavior. They are at risk of becoming codependent.
If You Were Codependent, You’d Would Know It: If a regular person is not informed of what codependency is... they wouldn’t know if their relationship behavior is codependent. Codependency is often invisible to the person who is living it. We all know the common signs and basics, but codependency is like an onion… it has layers.
Leaving the Toxic Person Cures Codependency: Boy I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this one. I also believed it myself until I got into another romantic relationship and started building friendships again. Just because we have left the toxic situation or person behind doesn’t mean we don’t have some work to do on ourselves. Our behaviors, our triggers, our relationship attractions are all patterns and cycles we repeat over and over and over again. Some people think resorting to quitting romantic or friendship connections because that’s how they are fighting their codependent behaviors. I am here to tell you it will manifest elsewhere in our lives, if we don’t address our belief system.
Quick Check List
So now that we bust the myths of codependency and see how it applies to life. Let’s do a quick self-check list:
Do I often feel responsible for other people’s feelings, choices, or problems?
Do I say “Yes” when I want to say “No” then feel resentful later?
Is my mood tied to how someone else is treating me?
Do I have trouble identifying my own feelings without first checking how others feel?
Do I feel anxious or guilty when someone close to me is upset-even if it’s not about me?
Do I stay in relationships long after they’re unhealthy, hoping the other person will change?
Do I feel uncomfortable when someone offers me help?
Do I get anxious or become a micro-manager when I give someone a task to help me with?
Do I feel “needy” or “selfish” when I for something I genuinely need?
Do I try to control situations (giving unsolicited advice, fixing, or over-functioning) to feel safe?
Do I enable certain behaviors because I’m scared of being abandoned?
Do I enable people to a level of disability that they fully depend on me for everything?
Do I find myself getting angry or resentful when someone is creating a new issue for me to solve?
Do I fear abandonment so much that I tolerate disrespect, dishonesty, or neglect?
Journal Prompts
Once you have answered these questions, try these journaling prompts to expand on what you have learned about yourself:
Think of a recent time you said yes when you wanted to say no. What were you afraid would happen if you said no? What do you wish you had said instead?
Recall a moment today or anytime this past year when you felt anxious, guilty, or responsible. Whose emotion were you actually responding to? What would it feel like to that emotion stay with them?
When was the last time you refused help? What story did you tell yourself (e.g “I should handle this alone”, “They don’t really mean it”)? Write a counterstatement (e.g “Accepting help is a skill, not a weakness)
What’s one boundary you’ve wanted to set for yourself but haven’t? What’s the worst thing you imagine happening if you set it? How likely is that outcome-and could you survive it?
I hope this brings some clarity and I hope it helps everyone evaluate where they are at. Please share your thoughts and comments below!