Broken Bird Syndrome
My Codependency Has a Name....
I have been diving deep into my codependent behavior with my therapist. After a handful of sessions, I have been so focused on my romantic relationship, reverting back into my codependent behaviors, and refusing to address anything about myself. I will admit I was pissed off when my therapist made that very known and called me out for it. I spent a few months being upset and working through my feelings about reverting back into the spin of insanity that codependency does to me. I was also really mad at myself for losing myself that quickly. But! I have been working on getting back to me again and I found new clarity.
My Codependency Has a Name
Broken Bird Syndrome it’s a phrase that I have heard before in my past. I barley done any research on it and I believe a therapist of my paste has brought this up before. Sometimes with healing I hate having to adopt new labels and I’m very resistant to new shit I have to discover about myself. It truly comes from a place of… Where does it end? Where does my past trauma stop forming my present life? When do I get to the part I don’t develop new issues, revert to old habits, and I’m just DONE?!
Questions that I have been asked from my mother periodically because I have been in therapy for such a long time. She always asks, “is it helping?” or “When are you going to be done?” She finds it crazy I’m still here and paying… I’m starting to think that she believes I’m being scammed. All I say is “yes, it’s helping” and “I don’t know when I will be done”. When in reality I want to say “I have been in therapy forever because due to environment you raised me in. I can’t seem to function in relationships romantic or platonic like a normal person. I long for community, but I isolate myself because I’m mentally exhausted from taking care of people. I don’t want to risk taking on a new person who is project in my life. Feeling like I have to earn attention, be perfect with no mistakes, and be useful in order to be loved has ruined my life to the fullest extent. It’s caused me to be an alcoholic, it has made me cold, closed off, anxious, obsessed, drained, in financial debt, and I always question if I’m even happy or could I be happy. I always wonder if I could survive being alone for the rest of my life just to get an ounce of peace within my brain. It has made me suicidal, and it has broken me too many times to count.”
But I digress because saying “yes, it’s helping” is much easier. And it is helping because I grew up a lot as an adult. I feel less like an underdeveloped person, which is the whole point. Broken Bird syndrome which is a pattern of consistently dating or befriending people with deep emotional, psychological, or behavioral issues with the underlying goal of "fixing" or rescuing them. That’s me in a nutshell, and over the time of breaking patterns I have realized all of my dating patterns wrap up in this one definition. I have broken bird syndrome and its weird having a name to it.
I sat there in therapy with that term mulling it over in my head. I agreed completely because after that session I have spent the last few days thinking if I have ever befriended or dated anyone who didn’t have deep emotional, psychological or behavioral issues… I couldn’t think of one, but I can easily name a lot of people who did have those issues. Including the person I’m currently dating. But I’m trying to break the cycle and I'm trying to work on this because I have a relationship and a person that I truly love. They have their own issues they are working on, but I truly believe if we keep the focus on dealing and handling our shit that this relationship can and will survive.
The Symptoms, Patterns, and Consequences
Upon my research I found out more about it and it’s even summing up my mom mode even more. For those who don’t know I call my codependency behaviors Mom because that’s exactly how I act… Like everyone’s mother. So right out of the mouth of a simple google search:
Why It Happens
Need for control and distraction: Focusing intensely on someone else's problems can act as a subconscious mechanism to avoid or gloss over your own personal struggles. (i.e. the reason why I hate taking care of myself because I have to deal with my shit. Making other people’s problems mine is how I get attention.)
Codependency: An individual might derive their self-worth from feeling incredibly needed, often at the expense of their own boundaries. (i.e. the reason why I feel empty and lonely in relationships if I’m not being useful.)
Childhood roles: People who grew up as the primary caretaker for dysfunctional family members often repeat this dynamic in their adult romantic or platonic relationships. (i.e. Taking care of my mother because she was so miserable in her life and marriage. I was her support system through the divorce of my father. Eventually becoming her caretaker when she had breast cancer which caused me to put my life on hold until she got better. Due to my family leaving to deal with it and never helping me.)
The Consequences
Relationships rooted in this dynamic rarely lead to genuine repair and are often destined to fail. Because the relationship is based on a power imbalance (the “savior” versus the “broken bird”). (i.e. I am The Savior)
Severe burnout: One partner becomes mentally exhausted and overwhelmed from over-functioning for two. (i.e. Constantly the reason why I’m so tired all the time).
Resentment: Feelings of frustration build up when the rescued partner fails to “heal” or reciprocate the effort. (i.e. Resentment eats me alive and eventually I’ll start having rage issues and the fights start. I have been better about this).
Stagnation: The “fixer” enables the other person to remain dependent on them rather than letting them build their own coping skills. (i.e. A behavior I am fixing and I’m currently struggling watching my partner do this. I understand the importance of autonomy).
How to Break the Cycle
Mental health professionals and commentators consistently note that you cannot force someone else to grow and heal. Breaking this pattern typically involves:
Setting strict boundaries: Recognizing the difference between being supportive and taking responsibility for someone else's emotional well-being. (i.e. Currently working on this and it’s a struggle.)
Reflecting on your own needs: Shifting the focus from changing a partner to understanding why you are drawn to unavailable or struggling individuals. (i.e. We all know why I’m attracted to them).
Seeking professional support: Addressing underlying relationship patterns through therapies focused on codependency, self-esteem, and personal boundaries. (i.e. The therapy I pay for).
Where Do I Go from Here?
Well shit yall… looks like I have another journey to go on. More books to read as I deep dive into this. I remember telling my therapist this feels like I’m about to learn a good lesson. I’m not sure if it’s going to be bad or good but I’m hoping for good. Looks like this blog isn’t ending anytime soon… until next time.